The silence was killing me.
I could taste it, bitter like blood, a continued static of unspoken thoughts that seemed to jump around me. Everything else was muted. We sat there, not talking, not drinking, not making eye contact, not doing anything. It was almost like the last two years had erased our friendship.
Skin caught between my teeth as I chewed on my lip, one of the few things I hadn’t left behind in high school. The other restaurant-goers’ conversations filtered into our bubble, a song on someone else’s stereo. I waited, unable to start a conversation besides the quick hello I had given upon arrival.
“So,” Bryan’s hands were clenched tightly around his water glass, fingers covered in condensation. “How has it been?”
I blinked, unpacking the innocent question, peeling the onion of memories and changes that had occurred. How could you answer something so simple, yet so complex? How had it been? How had cutting all ties with this small town, moving halfway across the country, and losing contact with everyone I had known been?
I couldn’t say.
I look at Jackie, raising one eyebrow and hoping she’d save the day, just like she had done before. She fiddled with a new ring on her finger, a delicate gold trinket that I’d never wear, lips pressed into a line.
“I… I’m seeing someone. We’ve been together almost since the start of freshman year,” a soft smile slipped unknowingly onto her face as she glowed with comfort in the idea of this ‘someone’. “It’s been good.”
“Congratulations.”
“Thanks, Alice.”
I nodded politely, avoiding an uncomfortable reply.
“Well, how about you? No one’s heard from you since graduation, any grand tales of adventure?” Bryan prompted.
“No. Just school, I’m in Vermont. School’s been good.”
“You know we didn’t even know if you’d come, I guess they get mail even in the backwoods of Vermont.”
I knew he was only trying to make light of it, but the words had a bitter sting to them. I stiffened, remembering all too well why I had left this small town. Too much sweet Southern hospitality.
“How do you think they got my application? And what have you been up to besides redoing your wardrobe?”
He chuckled. I hoped he’d found the compliment I had intended to say. Bryan did look more… put together; there was a sense of intent to clean lines and neutral tones that accented his broad frame. Long forgotten was the chaos we had dealt with of him hopping from one trend to the next. He had changed his aesthetic almost as often as Jackie had changed her hair color. It was nice to see him settling into himself, but I didn’t say that. How do you tell the two most important people in your life that you care about them?
“I’ve switched majors, going to chemical engineering.”
“So, no more business school?” Jackie leaned forward on her elbows, brown curly hair falling infront of her eyes. Watching them fall back into our old patterns hurt more than the silence had. Somewhere along the line I had torn too much of myself away to fully come back to how things were, or I had never been fully there to begin with.
I sat back, the legs of my chair screeching against the floor, only half-listening to the conversation. I watched as they slipped back into the roles we had designed during high school. Bryan always had a story to tell and Alice always was ready to listen, eking out as many details as she could. I was there too, a moon to their planets, watching from the outside. Sometimes, I wondered if I’d be better at caring if I had taken a class on it. Other times, like now, I just watched. One foot in the shadows, halfway in my mind.
Jackie’s laugh pulled me out of my thoughts; a hand covered her mouth as she muffled her laughs. Her dark eyes seemed alive now, and if I was a better person, I would have been happy for her. She matched Bryan’s energy as the years seemed to fall away between them.
My phone buzzed in my pocket; I fished it out and saw a cheerful reminder that my flight left the next morning.
“Everything okay?” Jackie leaned over, peering at my phone. I quickly shut it off, hiding the collage of photos I had saved from high school. Center was the three of us—it had been Halloween night, and we’d convinced an upperclassman to snap a photo of us. In the image, we’d been draped over each other. Jackie’s cat ears had ended up caught on Bryan’s clown wig as the two of them had their arms wrapped around me, but my favorite part was the candid smiles on our faces. It was one of the happiest images I had, one of the few times I had felt truly young.
“I have to go,” I forced a quick smile in apology, “early flight. It was great seeing you two.”
“Aww,” Bryan frowned. The genuine sadness on his face was almost enough for me to stay. I could forget about the flight, ignore my responsibilities for once and try being young again, but that was my role: one step away with my eyes fixed on the future.
“Please stay in contact; I don’t want to wait for another reunion to see you.”
“I will.”
I stood up and slid away from the table, not looking back.
Once I was outside I let my shoulders slump, my gaze down on the concrete streets the same color as my heart.
“There are some things best left in the past,” I muttered to myself.
Maybe, if I said it enough, I’d believe it too.